It's All About Me(ek)

I seem to have the horrible habit of attracting what the teenage crowd these days calls a "fr-enemy." Who knows if that is even spelled correctly, but the point is that I seem to walk around life with a giant sign on my forehead that says, "please treat me like dirt, but tell me you do it for my own good!" I thought that perhaps I was getting better at handling it all appropriately after high school and my naive stupidity phase that lasted over four years. Alas, another fr-enemy was soon darkening my doorway . . . . and then a third, a fourth, a fifth . . . apparently I haven't learned the lesson yet! (And to think, one of my co-workers recently called me smart. Apparently I mask my stupidity fairly well.)

Well, this year, I have another fr-enemy delighting in her self-assigned task to make Esther a better person. Now, I can take constructive criticism. Anyone who survives cohort, student teaching, and principal observations has to have that quality to some extent. However, I still struggle with the fact that I can't make everyone happy and there are bound to be people who have issue (or in some cases, MANY issues) with me. Several weeks ago, about a week before school ended, I had a self-proclaimed pity party. Normally, I don't throw parties. I think having a birthday party all by myself when none of my friends showed up in junior high kind of killed the joy of being a party planner. However, when I do decide to throw a party, I go all out. This party was no exception. It was a pretty darn fantastic weekend, if I do say so myself. My fr-enemy had pulled my hair, pushed me down, kicked me, scratched my eyeballs out, poured salt on the wounds, and all sorts of metaphorically not-so-nice things. You might say the criticism was not so constructive! But it all ended with a reminder that it was all for my own good, and she was just trying to help. So, that makes the icky previous presentation of information okay, right?

I stewed about it all weekend. (I get that from my dad. He's a stewer as well. We make pretty awesome stew when we are both at it at the same time!) I was mighty perplexed as to why I seem to have aforementioned sign attached to my forehead, especially when only some folks I cross paths with seem to be able to see it. While reading my scriptures that first night, I had the beginnings of an epiphany. You might call it my pity party pooper. I was reading in Ether chapter 12 when I came across a verse I'd read before, but it never quite had an impact on me. I usually just focused on the verse below it. It's Ether 12:26 and it reads, "And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;"

I think the part that stuck out to me the most was the last line--"they shall take no advantage of your weakness." I know I have weaknesses, and I know that despite the fact that I hopefully have some of you fooled, I am not perfect. In retrospect, almost all of the "fr-enemy advice" that was so graciously offered to me throughout my lifetime was focused on things I can't do because of a weakness I have. And because of those weaknesses, I've been mocked, condemned, or something like that. And I honestly hope I haven't done that to anyone else. After my pity party pooper, I think I'll be a little more aware of those things and hopefully differentiate a little better between "constructive" criticism and just plain criticism.

The other part that stuck out to me is that our weaknesses will not be taken advantage of, but only if we are meek and qualify for the grace of God. And so, I began a quest for knowledge, because knowledge is power!! I found a super cool talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell that defined meekness in a very understandable way. Here are some of the highlights.

• "We tend to think of a meek individual as being used and abused--as being a doormat for others. However, Moses was once described as being the most meek man on the face of the earth, yet we recall his impressive boldness in the courts of Pharaoh and his scalding indignation following his decent from Sinai."
• "Yes, there are real costs associated with meekness. A significant down payment must be made. . . . We must also be willing to endure the subsequent erosion of unbecoming ego. . . . There is no way that such dismantling, such erosion, such rebuilding can occur without real cos in pain, pride, adjustments, and even some dismay. Yet since we cannot be 'acceptable before God save [we are] meek and lowly in heart, the reality of that awesome requirement must be heeded! Better to save one's soul than to save one's face."

It would appear that in a world where the popular attitude is to say, "It's all about me!" that the truth is "It's all about meek!"